You Made Me
by archard-winchester
Summary: Sam and Dean have one of their rare honest conversations on the way back to Lisa's. Tag to 6x01.


**Disclaimer:** I used to own supernatural, the boys, the Impala and everything else on the show. But then, the men in white gave me my meds and I had to take them.

**Summary**: Sam and Dean on the long ride back to Lisa's. Things could never stay quiet for long.

**A/N**: Tag to 6x02. FYI, I wrote this story before I read some other tags. So any resemblance is purely coincidental.

* * *

The black charger speeded along the deserted highway, its two occupants riding silently. As was the Winchester custom after a failed hunt, they would drive in a troubled hush until one of them attempted to say some comforting words that almost always failed to comfort anyone, the listener or the speaker.

"We'll find the kid Dean." Sam spoke up this time. "We'll find that shape-shifter and find some way to kill it. We can still save the kid."

Dean snorted, indicating he knew that even Sam didn't believe his own words.

"Trust me Dean. Samuel and others are looking for ways to kill it. And we'll find some way. We've faced worse."

_So that's who __**we**__ are now?_ Dean thought. _Not you and me but you and the Campbells? That's right, I'm out now. By your choice and mine._

"Samuel is already tracking it." Sam continued, oblivious to his brother's thoughts."Gwen said she'd give me a call as soon as they have any leads."

"Yeah, that's a comforting thought." Dean replied. "Hunters looking for a shape-shifter baby. That's definitely gonna end well."

"What do you think they are gonna do with the kid Dean?" Sam questioned. "They're hunters, they're not monsters."

"Same difference." Dean quipped.

"What?"

"Look, all I'm saying is, that kid is born cursed." Dean explained. "He'll never have a normal life or normal childhood. He's either gonna be raised by a bunch of freaks and nut-jobs who'll use him for their own purpose or he'll grow up with the shape-shifters."

Sam looked incredulously at his brother for a moment but refrained from replying. There was no correct answer for this problem. No right choice. The kid had only two choices growing up, be the hunter or the hunted, and both choices sucked. _It'd be different if there was some kind of X-mansion for children like him_, Sam thought wryly, _maybe we could have gone there together_.

"You know Dean, Samuel was right." Sam spoke up a few minutes later."He has been doing everything to try and welcome you into the family. He's has been bending over backwards trying to accommodate you. It wouldn't hurt for you to give him a little bit of trust."

"Sam there is a reason we didn't know many hunters growing up." Dean replied."You can't trust just anyone who's crazy enough to get into this life."

"They are not just any hunters Dean. They're family."

"No Sam, they have hidden agendas and secrets." Dean said angrily."They just pop out of nowhere trying to be your best friends, but that doesn't make them your family. Bobby's family. Ellen and Jo were family. Dad was family."

"Yeah, and dad never kept any secrets, did he?" Came the sarcastic rejoinder.

"It's different. A guy just comes back to life after being dead for nearly four decades and joins up with you, with a bunch of long-lost cousins. I'm sorry, but that's a lot to swallow."

"I came back from dead." Sam replied."But you trust me don't you?"

"You really want me to answer that question?" Dean replied. "Especially after you have been lying to me for a year?"

_That was a low-blow_, Dean thought to himself, and Sam knew it too. That's why instead of a teary explanation he got a glare and an exasperated huff. This was nothing new for them. Dean, in moments of anger or worry, often lashed out with whatever hurtful thing came to his mind first. _At least he hasn't brought up Ruby_, Sam thought.

Sam knew his brother. Whatever Dean may think, Sam understood his brother's actions and reactions better than anyone else in the world. This was not just about a failed hunt or a lost baby. Against his deeply ingrained Winchester instinct to let it fester, Sam decided to dig a little deeper, not sure he'd like what he found.

"What's up with you Dean?" Sam asked. "You mad at me or something? It's like you are trying a to pick a fight with me."

"I don't wanna fight you Sam." Came the expected reply.

"Well, something's eating at you." Sam went on."Is this about Christian getting the baby? Or the whole parenthood deal you are going through? Because I meant what I said back there. Just because you are a hunter doesn't mean you can't be a good dad."

"Okay. You think that Christian will make a great father, I get it."

"I meant _you_, you idiot." Sam wondered how his brother could be so oblivious at times. "When I say that a hunter can make a great dad, I'm talking about you."

"Well, it certainly seems like you talk about me a lot." Dean replied."Whether I'm there or not."

Sam's heart sank. _Was this what it was all about?_ He'd been dreading this the moment Christian took a jab at Dean's time in hell. _Did Dean think I betrayed him or something?_ Sam thought guiltily.

"Dean, I'm sorry I shared _that_ with them." Sam explained. "I was trying to make them understand what you'd been through. I never thought Christian would use it like that."

Normally, this was the point where their honest heart-to-heart would end. Dean would say something like "Drive a little faster, Sam" and it would mean "It's OK. I forgive you". Dean's "whatever", cut Sam to the quick, making his own anger flare up.

"You know, it wasn't like you were making it any easier." Sam accused. "We were all trying to make a difficult choice and all you did was take shots at everyone in the room. Hell, I had to step between you and Christian to stop you going at each-other."

"I'm a big boy now Sam. I don't need you to defend me."

"Wait, so you are angry because I didn't back you in there _and_ you are angry because I defended you. That doesn't make any sense Dean."

"Well, I'm pissed." Dean struck back. "Making sense gets in the way."

Sam suppressed a snicker as he saw look a bit embarrassed realizing what he'd just said. It was a testament to how much things had changed between them. Two or three years ago, they both would have burst out laughing at that statement and just like that everything would have been back to normal again. But not anymore.

"You are being a real ass, you know that." Sam said. "Its fine that you don't trust Samuel because of the whole resurrection thing, which we both have done before. But the others. They are just normal hunters. There is no excuse for the way you behave around them."

"Well, I'm sorry I don't get along with your new BFFs." Dean replied. "You know, I'm surprised you called me for help, with your new family running around."

"Well, excuse me for wanting to be with my brother."

"What the hell do you want from me Sam?" Dean shouted. "You shut me out of your life for a whole year. And now, when _I_ choose to stay out, you are trying to drag me back? It's like, you don't even care what I want anymore. You just go around upturning my life like a- like a -."

"A what, Dean?" Sam asked. "A monster?"

"No, a hunter." _Same difference_. The thought simultaneously went through both of their heads. Sam knew where Dean was coming from. All their lives, dad had made decisions about them without so much as a by-your-leave- keeping secrets, leaving them behind, uprooting their lives whenever fancy took him. For Dean it had continued well into adulthood. And now, it seemed, Sam was taking his place.

"You know what, go to hell Dean." Sam had officially lost his temper. "You wanna ago back to you normal apple-pie life, go right ahead. I'll do fine without you."

"I'm sure you will." Dean replied."You have got some great new hunting-buddies after all. Just don't come running back to me when it all goes to hell."

The car skidded on the asphalt and came to rest by the side of the highway. Sam hastily undid the seat-belt and rushed out, slamming the door behind him. No one got to him more than his brother, Sam thought. If he'd stayed one more moment inside, they'd be knee deep in physical violence now. He tried to take a few calming breaths as he heard Dean come out behind him.

"What are you gonna sulk here now?" Why did Dean have to keep pushing?

"What do you want from me Dean?"

"How about some gesture to show that this family is still important to you?" Dean replied. "How about an apology?"

"For what?" _For what this time?_ Sam thought_. Because_ _God knows, I have a lot to apologize for._

"For leaving me behind, again."

"I'm not apologizing for that Dean. After all you'd been through, you deserved some peace and happiness."

"And that's all it was?" Dean asked.

"What else would it be?"

"Oh, I don't know." Dean replied. "Maybe you finally felt like this was your chance to rid of your family for once and for all, without any guilt."

"In case you didn't notice, I've been hunting with family for the year."

"They are not your real family Sam." Dean shouted. "I'm your real family. At least I'm supposed to be."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Sam asked, Lucifer's words about his true family running through his mind.

"It means, there is family that you can't live without and there is family you just tolerate because they are related by blood." Dean explained. "I never thought I'd be the second kind to you."

"You don't mean that Dean. I'd give my life for you."

"That's not saying much. We risk our lives for strangers every day." Dean said sadly."Truth is Sam, I'm your brother and you have to love me because you're kinda stuck with me. But given a choice, you'd rather be somewhere else, with someone else."

"That's not true Dean."

"Isn't it? You have always picked that choice before." Dean explained. "You'd always rather spend time with your friends and their family than stay home with me. You have run away from me, left me behind many, many times to do your own thing. You always find someone out there to talk about your screwed up life and family. You kept secrets from me all your life, even before Ruby showed up. And for the last few years, it seems like you'd rather trust someone else, anyone else over me. I mean, even your heaven had you with happy away from your family."

"How could you say that Dean?" Sam asked with a quivering voice. "How could you even think those things? After all that we've been through together- "

"That's exactly my point Sam." Dean replied. "This crappy, sucky life of ours is the only reason why we stuck together. If you hadn't been my brother, hell, if we'd been normal brothers, you probably couldn't have stood being in the same room with me. I don't know, maybe that makes you a healthier, saner person than me, but those are the facts Sam."

Sam stood there staring at his brother, trying to quell the rising emotion in his chest. This is what it came to, after all their struggles, their trials, this was what their relationship was left like? Didn't Dean realize how much he meant to Sam? That he was the only one Sam cared about enough to pull himself free from Lucifer? _To be fair, you have given him plenty of reasons to think like that_, the voice in his head said. _You and dad, you always left him and only came back when you needed him. What else is he supposed to think?_

"Let's go Sam." Dean said, seeing Sam had no further words to offer. "Lisa is waiting for me back home."

Dean got back into the car and Sam reluctantly followed. Quietly he shifted to drive and once again they sped off on the highway. Sam was still reeling from witnessing the extent of damage to his brother's psyche. All he could think of was trying to find some way to make it better. Telling Dean over and over again how much he loved him. That him that the thought of losing makes his heart jump up in throat. That he'd love nothing more than having Dean back at his side. That no demon and no long-lost family could ever fill up the hole his absence had left. That he was sorry, over and over again, and he was stupid not to have known and appreciated what he had. But he knew that right now, his words would mean nothing to Dean. He would take them as a manifestation of Sam's guilty conscience, something that would be soothed just as easily by Dean's forgiveness.

_Isn't that what it really is? _The treacherous voice in head said. _You really want to be a better person Sam and a better brother, but you are not. Isn't Dean right about everything? If you really cared as much as you think you do, you'd never have left for Stanford. You wouldn't have talked about leaving him, just like dad had. You'd have been there for him after dad's death. Instead of obsessing over you own destiny, if you'd cared for Dean a bit, he never would've made that deal. You saw the signs coming. You couldn't save him, and then, when by a miracle when he was returned, you lied to him, chose a demon over him and almost killed him. This at time when he needed you the most. And after everything, after he still forgave you and took you back, you kept on hurting him. You blamed him being too caring, too protective, not trusting enough. Well, you never gave him any reason to. And even after you got back together, he kept falling apart and you never cared. Too concerned with keeping Lucifer out of your mind. You never even apologized for your time in heaven. You never said a word to Cas about beating him up. What, you thought he deserved it? Dean never would have stood for it if it had happened to you, and you deserve much worse. You were so full of yourself trying to take on Lucifer, so obsessed with redeeming yourself, that you never cared to redeem yourself for the one person who matters the most. The person who ended up saving you. You say what's wrong with living your own life, with making it on your own? What's wrong is you always fail, always screw up and Dean ends up paying the price for it. You were right, letting him believe that you were dead was the best thing you could have done for him. Now that the cat's out of the bag, can you really expect him to believe that you have been miserable without him all year with your new friends? Were you even miserable?_

Sam thought back on his year without Dean. It'd been so different being on the road without him. He had been so different. He'd always felt that he'd be somewhat happy being out of his brother's shadow. Now he was hunting with people who actually treated him with respect. (Dean respected his skills to but he never ever showed Sam that). He'd thought that being in a situation where no one would outright veto his opinions if they didn't like them was what he wanted. He thought he was finally becoming a hunter like his father, always professional, always calm, always in control of his emotions. These were the things that he'd always wanted in some form or other. These were the things he'd always thought would make him happy. But now, try as he might, he couldn't bring up a single memory he'd want to treasure for a long time. The whole year, he'd spent being so different, he sometimes didn't recognize himself.

But now, one day back on the road with his brother and already he could feel pieces of him falling in place. He had spent an entire year being a ruthless, cold-hearted hunter with the Campbell clan, and now in less than a day back with his brother, he'd been frustrated out of his mind because of a crying baby, he'd laughed himself silly watching Dean change diapers, felt panic when he saw the shape-shifter attack Dean and they'd ended the day with an all-out, no-holds barred fight in the middle of the road. It was true, no one got to him like Dean did, but no one got him like Dean did either.

"Dean, I want you to know, for once and for all, that everything you said to me is a load of bull." Sam finally found courage to speak up. He didn't know what good his words would do now, but he couldn't leave it like that. "Look, I know I've made a lot of mistakes and the fact is, all the sorrys in the world wouldn't be enough to make up for them. All I can do is promise you I'll do better. "

Getting no reaction from Dean, Sam continued. "About what you said about us being just brothers, Dean, I've tried imagining how my life would have been without a lot of people, but I can't even begin to imagine my life without you. I wouldn't be me if it weren't for you Dean. You practically made me everything I am. And if you hadn't been there, I probably would have become Yellow-eye's favorite psychic, opened the devil's gate, broken the seals and let Lucifer hop in the moment he got out. So yeah, you made me who I am today and I still don't think I can continue being that person without you. And I don't think your influence in my life would've been any less had we been a normal family. What you gave me Dean, no-one, not Ruby nor the Campbells can ever match up to."

Still getting no reaction, Sam said, "All I'm trying to say here is, we both know there is darkness in me. I don't know whether I was born that way or it's the demon blood or it's the way we were raised, but there is a lot of darkness inside me. But whatever good there is it's because of you. So just feel free to do whatever you want, however you want to live your life, but know this: You are always, always welcome in my life."

Sam stole a look at the passenger seat to judge his brother's reaction, but Dean's face was expressionless, eyes looking straight ahead. Sam looked back at the road as he heard Dean speak.

"Just drive the damn car, Sam."

* * *

So, in the next episode, the boys are back together, the Impala is back and so is Cas. Plus some very powerful mojo riding the town. Looks like it'll be impossible to make that episode dull.


End file.
